ninaadopts's Space http://ninaadopts.posterous.com Uncurated moments from one adoption story posterous.com Sat, 16 Mar 2013 06:42:00 -0700 Waiting Pains http://ninaadopts.posterous.com/waiting-pains http://ninaadopts.posterous.com/waiting-pains

I opted out of the birthing route.  I thought I was getting away with something: "Look, I'm expecting a baby in a couple of months AND I am enjoying this Pinot Noir!" No doctors' appointments.  No scary classes about how to squeeze a live human being out of my 5'3" frame.  Pickles and ice cream have retained their separate purity.  I believed I chose the less painful route.  But right now, I sure could use one of those Lamaze classes where they teach you how to breathe.  And an epidural. No one told me how excruciating these months would be.  Or they did, but I chose not to listen. 

I'll take responsibility for my own ignorance. though a heads' up from the social worker might have been nice.  I first saw my daughter's face about seven months ago.  Given the lightening speed with which children grow, particularly ones who previously may have been a bit malnourished, she looks like 18 months have passed, not seven.  And she's done that without me.  The silver lining is that she is growing; she looks to be receiving love.  She is hearing, and learning I suppose, the local language, and maybe will pick it up easily later in life.  But who will tell her about her early milestones?  Who will tell her what her first word was?  What the baby in Baby A found funny?  Even though she is with others, it seems to me that she is alone.  And that breaks my heart.

I can no longer calculate a possible arrival date.  I expected her to be here now.  When people ask me for news (as they do every day)(which, despite my angst, leaves me floored by the amount of interest and care people have for us), I am left speechless.  I just don't know.  And at this point, I have know idea why.

What I do know:

  1. The adoption agency billed me for another month of care for my baby.  Just a bill, no email or call saying there will be another month...  However, when I had only paid half of a $16,000 bill, I did get a personal email.  It said something like, "We would hate it if failure to remain current on your account delayed your child's arrival."  Real humanitarians, huh?
  2. The US Embassy wants to get more involved in all adoptions.  Not necessarily a bad thing, if it is an honest effort to prevent/reduce/eliminate corruption.  However, more involved = additional months.
  3. Other families in the same program, who were matched after me, have been united.

So, my list of knowns is quite short.  What I don't know is both shorter and more expansive.

What I don't know:

  1. WHEN I CAN GO GET MY BABY.

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Sat, 29 Dec 2012 05:34:00 -0800 Why international adoption? http://ninaadopts.posterous.com/why-international-adoption http://ninaadopts.posterous.com/why-international-adoption

I am only three months into living publicly with my adoption.  This question, however, has been asked of me dozens of times.  Sometimes it is followed by, "There are so many American children who need homes."  Others ask, "Wouldn't it be less expensive to adopt domestically?"  I spent a year asking myself the same questions.  My answer varies, but the gist of it remains the same.

The way our children enter our lives is part of their stories.  A big part.  I made choices about building a family that make sense to me.  My daughter is coming to me through a process that I perceive as beautiful. In twelve years, when she wants to know specific information about our family's creation, I can relay the story with love and pride.  I can speak with some knowledge, and lots of love, about where she was born.  I can describe, with understanding and compassion, the sociopolitical circumstances of her birth nation at the time of her adoption.  I can tell animated stories about all of the extraordinary people who are making our family possible, the love for her expressed long before her arrival.  This is a story I can tell with pride and love.

Throughout this process I have given a lot of thought to the different ways people work to create families.  What I have come to believe is that we must parent children in a way that is comfortable for us.  We look for the path of least resistance.  However, these paths vary depending on who we are, our beliefs, and our circumstances.  For some families that means only biological children.  For others, it means children of shared ethnicity.  And some families embrace the idea of an ethnically varied home.  There are families that intentionally absorb the sick child.  There are other families that do all they can to avoid the sick child.  Financial security is something that plays different roles in different families.  Timing also impacts family building.  What is perceived as unmanageable or overwhelming is different for each of us.  The stakes are high when building a family.  We all make the best decisions we can.  The range of choices makes ours a more beautiful world.

I am adopting internationally because it makes sense for us.

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Tue, 11 Dec 2012 06:16:00 -0800 A little bit about this choice. The abridged version. http://ninaadopts.posterous.com/a-little-bit-about-this-choice-the-abridged-v http://ninaadopts.posterous.com/a-little-bit-about-this-choice-the-abridged-v

I always wanted to adopt a child.  I cannot really say why, it just seemed like a good way for family to happen.  I was never sure that it would work out for me.  Without even looking into the process, I knew it would be lengthy and require certain organization skills that I do not have.  I figured it was out of my financial reach.  But about two years ago, I began exploring it a bit.  From the periphery.  I considered it research.  I figured that I was finding out about a choice I may not make, just gathering information on the adoption landscape.  Months later, a social worker deactivated me.  Apparently I wasn't very active...

Being told I would be put into another file, one perhaps labeled "people probably not adopting" got under my skin a bit.  So a year after I began just visiting the idea, I took a few steps forward.  Meanwhile, the program I preferred had become closed to me.  I spent a school vacation calling agencies, researching programs and countries.  I made choices that had the weight of the world on them (to me, at least).  And I made choices that I was not sure how much they mattered.  Eventually, I commit to a country, one that my family and I, and possibly you, will forever be tied to.  I also commit to yet another adoption agency.  I never really believed it would happen.  And I certainly could not imagine that one year later I would find myself readying my house for my baby girl. 

There it is, my adoption story, the very short version.

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