Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: adoption

Waiting Pains

I opted out of the birthing route.  I thought I was getting away with something: "Look, I'm expecting a baby in a couple of months AND I am enjoying this Pinot Noir!" No doctors' appointments.  No scary classes about how to squeeze a live human being out of my 5'3" frame.  Pickles and ice cream have retained their separate purity.  I believed I chose the less painful route.  But right now, I sure could use one of those Lamaze classes where they teach you how to breathe.  And an epidural. No one told me how excruciating these months would be.  Or they did, but I chose not to listen. 

I'll take responsibility for my own ignorance. though a heads' up from the social worker might have been nice.  I first saw my daughter's face about seven months ago.  Given the lightening speed with which children grow, particularly ones who previously may have been a bit malnourished, she looks like 18 months have passed, not seven.  And she's done that without me.  The silver lining is that she is growing; she looks to be receiving love.  She is hearing, and learning I suppose, the local language, and maybe will pick it up easily later in life.  But who will tell her about her early milestones?  Who will tell her what her first word was?  What the baby in Baby A found funny?  Even though she is with others, it seems to me that she is alone.  And that breaks my heart.

I can no longer calculate a possible arrival date.  I expected her to be here now.  When people ask me for news (as they do every day)(which, despite my angst, leaves me floored by the amount of interest and care people have for us), I am left speechless.  I just don't know.  And at this point, I have know idea why.

What I do know:

  1. The adoption agency billed me for another month of care for my baby.  Just a bill, no email or call saying there will be another month...  However, when I had only paid half of a $16,000 bill, I did get a personal email.  It said something like, "We would hate it if failure to remain current on your account delayed your child's arrival."  Real humanitarians, huh?
  2. The US Embassy wants to get more involved in all adoptions.  Not necessarily a bad thing, if it is an honest effort to prevent/reduce/eliminate corruption.  However, more involved = additional months.
  3. Other families in the same program, who were matched after me, have been united.

So, my list of knowns is quite short.  What I don't know is both shorter and more expansive.

What I don't know:

  1. WHEN I CAN GO GET MY BABY.

A Piece of Our Story

I think a lot about how to explain our story to my daughter.  I see adoption as something our world needs.  And it needs it to work well.  Sometimes there are parents who cannot raise the children they birthed.  It is up to us, the rest of the world, to make sure these children are raised well and surrounded by love.  But how do you explain this to a young child?

I read something by an adoptive mom that very much fits with my beliefs.  She said she tells her children that parents have two jobs.  One job is to bring children into this world.  The other job is to raise children.  In most cases, the same people do both of these jobs.  But, there are some cases where parents do only one of these jobs.  These parents are partners.  Antonia's birth mom and I are partner moms.  We are working together to create and raise a most special, beautiful girl. 

Another Week of Waiting

It's been an interesting week in my world of waiting.

1.  I saw a travel doctor.  While at the office, I asked the nurse if she saw a lot of adoptive families.  She said that they used to, but there has been a big decline in the past few years.  She attributed this to the economy.  A recent New York Times article describes other factors (a link to this article is pasted at the end of this entry).  I am not sure if this means overall adoptions are down, or just international adoptions.  Either way, there are still many children around the world who are in need of families to raise them.

2.  I received a small grant from the Fatherless Foundation.  This is the second grant I have received.  Between these two grants, and the money my friend Jessica has been lovingly (and determinedly) raising, the next phase of payments will be significantly less.  While on the topic of Jessica, I got to watch her fundraiser grow significantly this past week.  The amount of love aimed at us via her speaks volumes of Jessica.  She is generous and well-loved.  I cannot wait to send Antonia off to the ballet with her in a few years. 

3.  Following notice of the grant, I received another email from my adoption agency.  It seems that the US Embassy is going to take more time investigating adoptions before granting visas.  While this is good overall, hopefully further reducing corrupt adoptions, it means it will take longer for children to enter the US.  Part of me thinks I received the grant to cover additional in-country expenses for my child.  I think the charge is $700.00 for every month in country.  Does this mean I am looking at waiting for several more months?  Aaaaagh.

4.  School has begun again.  Teaching restarted a while ago, now I am now back in class.  A new professor joined our program.  I am not sure how this will play out with my potentially missing a month of class.  My program director and other professor understand my circumstance and are willing to work with me.  The verdict is still out with him though.  As insane as my timing may seem to be, it kind of works for me.  Looking forward to a pay increase in two years makes more sense than ever.  Without the baby, I am not sure I would ever be inspired to leave the classroom because I love teaching so much.

5.  The baby received her first piece of mail.  It is sweet, a Valentine's Day card from my sister's family.  It shows my two little nephews holding hands.  My favorite part though is Antonia's name on the envelope.  And my sister's note to her.

The New York Times article:                                                                      http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/25/world/us-adoptions-from-abroad-decline-shar...

 

Baby Making, Adoption Style (Part 1)

This baby is the result of the love of many.  When I think about her arrival, I see an ocean of people who have been part of her journey here.  About six months ago, when this process was just beginning to take shape, I imagined making a book for her.  Each page would feature one of the important people in this process.  Six months later, I realize that this book will be volumes long. I will not write volumes today.  I will, however, write about a few people who were involved in her conception, so to speak. 

Tara is the kind of person this world needs more of.  She understands friendship and demonstrates her understanding with infinite kindness.  After years of spending her Sundays going to open houses with me, she helped me choose what will be Antonia's home.  Long before Antonia was even a real thought or consideration, Tara would say, "But there's no room for the baby!"  Tara had a faith and commitment to this baby that superseded my own.

Once I began the adoption process, Tara was again a consistent source of support.  Willing to spend hours talking about just the possibility of adoption, she helped me make decisions that were overwhelming.  Also, she was the first person to write me a reference letter.  Tara was adopted herself.  Her insight has been, and will continue to be, priceless.  Also, it makes having her in our corner even more special.

Charles.  According to him, I was talking about adoption during our first date (almost three years ago!).  I don't remember that.  What I do remember is the comfort and stability he has provided through every step of this process - even the just-thinking-wondering non-steps.  He has two boys who mean the world to him.  I think these boys are responsible for his wisdom.

As I weighed parenthood, adoption, career, finances, Charles said, "There is never a good time to have a child.  But, it is never a disappointment and it never feels like a burden."  He asked me what I would regret most in forty years.  Somehow, repeatedly answering this question, even today as I empty my retirement account, allows me to choose Antonia.  Like Tara, he let adoption talk dominate our conversations.  There are some decisions in adoption that feel huge.  For me, one such decision was choosing the country from which I would adopt.  In the midst of one of many conversations about this, Charles said, "Once this baby is in your arms, none of this will matter."  He's right.  As long as my baby comes to me in an ethical manner, nothing else matters.  So I chose.

I remember talking with Steve and Nancy about this idea on a boat in Lake Winnipesaukee.  It was a moment where my idea was met with visible love.  Adopting, perhaps parenting, involves so much vulnerability.  So many concerns about inadequacy persist.  So when two such great people, and super parents, not only support you, but are excited about the whole thing, there is quite a bit more confidence for moving forward.  Looking back, I think that I began to identify (proudly) as a potential adoptive mom that day on the lake.  Steve and Nancy went on to write a beautiful letter that is part of my home study - a letter that captures twenty-five years of friendship.

I am far from done.  There are many more friends.  And if you know my family, you know that their love may require a whole other blog to explore. 

Due Date

There are no due dates in adoption.  Ever.  Even when I travel, I will use a changeable airline ticket.  Every step is given a wide berth, 4 to 12 weeks, 3-6 months, 5 to 10 days.  One unknown step has to end before the next begins.

 

What am I waiting for now?  Who currently holds the key that unlocks the next door?  Usually, I am not fully sure.  It might be an adoption agency thing, US government, or foreign government.  Some office worker may be taking his time because adoption doesn't match his beliefs.  Or, someone we will never meet may be fighting to push our paperwork through a bureaucratic obstacle course in record time.  I just don't know.

 

I did, however, receive a recent photo.  She is absolutely beautiful.  And, she is growing and looks healthy.  She is very loved, that much we do know.

Why international adoption?

I am only three months into living publicly with my adoption.  This question, however, has been asked of me dozens of times.  Sometimes it is followed by, "There are so many American children who need homes."  Others ask, "Wouldn't it be less expensive to adopt domestically?"  I spent a year asking myself the same questions.  My answer varies, but the gist of it remains the same.

The way our children enter our lives is part of their stories.  A big part.  I made choices about building a family that make sense to me.  My daughter is coming to me through a process that I perceive as beautiful. In twelve years, when she wants to know specific information about our family's creation, I can relay the story with love and pride.  I can speak with some knowledge, and lots of love, about where she was born.  I can describe, with understanding and compassion, the sociopolitical circumstances of her birth nation at the time of her adoption.  I can tell animated stories about all of the extraordinary people who are making our family possible, the love for her expressed long before her arrival.  This is a story I can tell with pride and love.

Throughout this process I have given a lot of thought to the different ways people work to create families.  What I have come to believe is that we must parent children in a way that is comfortable for us.  We look for the path of least resistance.  However, these paths vary depending on who we are, our beliefs, and our circumstances.  For some families that means only biological children.  For others, it means children of shared ethnicity.  And some families embrace the idea of an ethnically varied home.  There are families that intentionally absorb the sick child.  There are other families that do all they can to avoid the sick child.  Financial security is something that plays different roles in different families.  Timing also impacts family building.  What is perceived as unmanageable or overwhelming is different for each of us.  The stakes are high when building a family.  We all make the best decisions we can.  The range of choices makes ours a more beautiful world.

I am adopting internationally because it makes sense for us.

Arriving. Or just a mirage.

About two weeks ago I got the idea that my adoption was running ahead of schedule. I thought that by this week I would have a pretty good (and near) arrival date estimation. Somehow, in a process that I know to be filled with expected and unexpected delays, I became convinced of the opposite. Lesson learned. For now. No near baby arrival. Just one sad momma. Managing sort of sad, but still disappointed.

Hope, Love, and Money

We have received one grant.  This economy puts demand high and resources low.  This fall I was put in touch with one woman, Marcy Cole, and her growing organization called CMomA.  This was CMomA's first year offering grants to defray the cost of adoption for childless families.  Without hypbole, I will say that they were a beacon of hope.

Every application contained so much of me: hope, love, fear, humility.  Nevermind the letters of reference, tax statements from the past two years, personal statements...  So much was put into each one that rejection felt personal.  So when CMomA awarded me a grant for $5,000, I was elated.  What I didn't expect was the grant's value beyond the monetary.  It injected a bit of faith and hope into my process.  It came during the "waiting time" - a period I have not yet left.  It gave me a boost and, quite honestly, a feeling of validation.

CMomA gave me money to cover attorney fees as well as a feeling of acceptance by the larger community.  $5,000.00 is priceless to me.  I will forever be grateful.

Check out CMomA here: www.cmoma.org

Books that are important to me

Saving and raising money for my adoption has been a full time job.  A job in which my performance rating would be horribly low.  Amazon let's you post products on a page, if people purchase them through your page, you get a small percentage.  The money will be used for my adoption.  Once the adoption is paid for, the money will go to http://www.thefatherlessfoundation.org.  Here I go...

My favorite baby book.  Beautiful sentiment, a cadence babies love.

Close seconds:

These are recordable books.  Easy to use.  I recorded myself reading Goodnight Moon and sent a copy to my daughter in Africa so she could get used to my voice.  Guess How Much I Love You will be read by Grammie and Grandpa.

Adult books that tell parts of Africa's story:

 

 

A little bit about this choice. The abridged version.

I always wanted to adopt a child.  I cannot really say why, it just seemed like a good way for family to happen.  I was never sure that it would work out for me.  Without even looking into the process, I knew it would be lengthy and require certain organization skills that I do not have.  I figured it was out of my financial reach.  But about two years ago, I began exploring it a bit.  From the periphery.  I considered it research.  I figured that I was finding out about a choice I may not make, just gathering information on the adoption landscape.  Months later, a social worker deactivated me.  Apparently I wasn't very active...

Being told I would be put into another file, one perhaps labeled "people probably not adopting" got under my skin a bit.  So a year after I began just visiting the idea, I took a few steps forward.  Meanwhile, the program I preferred had become closed to me.  I spent a school vacation calling agencies, researching programs and countries.  I made choices that had the weight of the world on them (to me, at least).  And I made choices that I was not sure how much they mattered.  Eventually, I commit to a country, one that my family and I, and possibly you, will forever be tied to.  I also commit to yet another adoption agency.  I never really believed it would happen.  And I certainly could not imagine that one year later I would find myself readying my house for my baby girl. 

There it is, my adoption story, the very short version.