Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Filed under: waiting

Waiting Pains

I opted out of the birthing route.  I thought I was getting away with something: "Look, I'm expecting a baby in a couple of months AND I am enjoying this Pinot Noir!" No doctors' appointments.  No scary classes about how to squeeze a live human being out of my 5'3" frame.  Pickles and ice cream have retained their separate purity.  I believed I chose the less painful route.  But right now, I sure could use one of those Lamaze classes where they teach you how to breathe.  And an epidural. No one told me how excruciating these months would be.  Or they did, but I chose not to listen. 

I'll take responsibility for my own ignorance. though a heads' up from the social worker might have been nice.  I first saw my daughter's face about seven months ago.  Given the lightening speed with which children grow, particularly ones who previously may have been a bit malnourished, she looks like 18 months have passed, not seven.  And she's done that without me.  The silver lining is that she is growing; she looks to be receiving love.  She is hearing, and learning I suppose, the local language, and maybe will pick it up easily later in life.  But who will tell her about her early milestones?  Who will tell her what her first word was?  What the baby in Baby A found funny?  Even though she is with others, it seems to me that she is alone.  And that breaks my heart.

I can no longer calculate a possible arrival date.  I expected her to be here now.  When people ask me for news (as they do every day)(which, despite my angst, leaves me floored by the amount of interest and care people have for us), I am left speechless.  I just don't know.  And at this point, I have know idea why.

What I do know:

  1. The adoption agency billed me for another month of care for my baby.  Just a bill, no email or call saying there will be another month...  However, when I had only paid half of a $16,000 bill, I did get a personal email.  It said something like, "We would hate it if failure to remain current on your account delayed your child's arrival."  Real humanitarians, huh?
  2. The US Embassy wants to get more involved in all adoptions.  Not necessarily a bad thing, if it is an honest effort to prevent/reduce/eliminate corruption.  However, more involved = additional months.
  3. Other families in the same program, who were matched after me, have been united.

So, my list of knowns is quite short.  What I don't know is both shorter and more expansive.

What I don't know:

  1. WHEN I CAN GO GET MY BABY.

Family just happens. I guess.

Charles is my partner, but I am the one adopting the baby.  We haven't quite figured out what the relationship between his two boys and the baby will be.  Turns out, they had been doing the thinking. 

One asked: Will she be our sister?

Charles: Legally, she will not be your sister.

The other: But the cool thing is that she will think of us as her brothers!

I tear up every time I play this conversation in my head.  This baby has already taught me so much about people's capacity for love.

A Family Read-Along

While at work today, I received a care package to squeeze into an already stuffed care package (child's black with metallic silver star pattern backpack)(see photo in prior post).  It contained a doll my grandmother knitted, clothes, toys, and a very special book.  For Christmas I had given my parents a recordable copy of Guess How Much I Love You.  The plan was for them to record it.  We would bring it to Africa so that by the time she arrives in the States, she knows their voices a bit.  Alas, all of our delays.  My parents, my sister, and my little nephews worked together to record the story.  It is so beautiful.  It's the one thing (well, maybe in addition to the backpack with silver stars) that I have sent that I would love to be able to bring home.  You hear love as they read the story. 

Grandma's knitted doll didn't make the cut.  She's here with me.  Waiting.

Arriving. Or just a mirage.

About two weeks ago I got the idea that my adoption was running ahead of schedule. I thought that by this week I would have a pretty good (and near) arrival date estimation. Somehow, in a process that I know to be filled with expected and unexpected delays, I became convinced of the opposite. Lesson learned. For now. No near baby arrival. Just one sad momma. Managing sort of sad, but still disappointed.