Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Waiting Pains

I opted out of the birthing route.  I thought I was getting away with something: "Look, I'm expecting a baby in a couple of months AND I am enjoying this Pinot Noir!" No doctors' appointments.  No scary classes about how to squeeze a live human being out of my 5'3" frame.  Pickles and ice cream have retained their separate purity.  I believed I chose the less painful route.  But right now, I sure could use one of those Lamaze classes where they teach you how to breathe.  And an epidural. No one told me how excruciating these months would be.  Or they did, but I chose not to listen. 

I'll take responsibility for my own ignorance. though a heads' up from the social worker might have been nice.  I first saw my daughter's face about seven months ago.  Given the lightening speed with which children grow, particularly ones who previously may have been a bit malnourished, she looks like 18 months have passed, not seven.  And she's done that without me.  The silver lining is that she is growing; she looks to be receiving love.  She is hearing, and learning I suppose, the local language, and maybe will pick it up easily later in life.  But who will tell her about her early milestones?  Who will tell her what her first word was?  What the baby in Baby A found funny?  Even though she is with others, it seems to me that she is alone.  And that breaks my heart.

I can no longer calculate a possible arrival date.  I expected her to be here now.  When people ask me for news (as they do every day)(which, despite my angst, leaves me floored by the amount of interest and care people have for us), I am left speechless.  I just don't know.  And at this point, I have know idea why.

What I do know:

  1. The adoption agency billed me for another month of care for my baby.  Just a bill, no email or call saying there will be another month...  However, when I had only paid half of a $16,000 bill, I did get a personal email.  It said something like, "We would hate it if failure to remain current on your account delayed your child's arrival."  Real humanitarians, huh?
  2. The US Embassy wants to get more involved in all adoptions.  Not necessarily a bad thing, if it is an honest effort to prevent/reduce/eliminate corruption.  However, more involved = additional months.
  3. Other families in the same program, who were matched after me, have been united.

So, my list of knowns is quite short.  What I don't know is both shorter and more expansive.

What I don't know:

  1. WHEN I CAN GO GET MY BABY.